Sunday, 12 February 2012

Borderline Retardation: The Police

Borderline Retardation and the Police

Is it just me, or is Britain's police force inundated with the premise of borderline retardation and the double chin.
Rather than an elite and feared force of James Bond/Spartan-esq warriors, trained in mortal combat and mentally wired to fight for the greater good of man, our taxes are plunged deep into the biscuit tins of snack obsessed PC Plod and his fleet of blubber gutted morons who couldn't catch a criminal if he shat on their head.

I was lucky enough to experience the police force first hand not too long ago, for a crime that although extremely serious when discussed in isolation, sends my peers into 'lol' overdrive when connected to me: A skinny black female with a bone structure that would look right at home on comic relief.

Brace yourself Ladies and Gentlemen, for I was accused, by the almighty Metropolitan Police Force...Queen Elizabeth and her countries guards...of being a rapist.

A entirely sure how this would work...

1. A system of pulleys and weights?
2. A shoe horn and some lubricant?
3. One of my own protruding joints? e.g. elbow, knee, heel.

I can't seem to map the idea out in my head, possibly because its fucking ridiculous. And if I was going to rape somebody, I'm pretty sure George Clooney would be first on the list not some miscellaneous drunken female I never had the pleasure of laying my eyes on.

Anyway, the reason for syphoning this encounter off via blog is the sheer irritation at how special needs every single officer I came across was,  deeming those badge wearing plebs as nothing but over grown cub scouts.

Police officers...morons and if you are so dim you can't even get on the police force and have to shame yourself, your family's name and the reputation of your future children by volunteering to having the words 'community support officer' stamped to the back of your fluorescent jacket...there is no hope.

During my 15 hours in custody as a rapist, I watched as no less than 5 officers worked together to obtain my finger prints: That's an officer per finger, per hand...about as efficient Michael Jackson's GP.

I was then probed by the lovely Susan who thought it wise to attempt to spark up conversation regarding the latest episode of Take Me Out. As well as thinking to myself, 'If I had a 'lighty' I would have turned that shit off the minute you walked into the room, with your fucking orthopaedic doc martins and vagina hugging polyester pants, I was also baffled at her repeated referral to the instructions manual, with regards to sticking the label on a tube.

Fair enough sticking a label on something cylindrical can pose much more of an obstacle than tackling a cuboid...but an entire manual on the task...really?...I had a sneaky suspicion...Susan was an idiot.

Simple things, like correct grammar for "What were you doing?" as oppose to the repeated offence of "What was you doing?"

Common sense- If the rapist has a human hair weave, why then decide to take samples of said weave and obtain as DNA attached to the profile of the rapist in question? Unless you plan on accusing the delightful young lady in Mumbai who kindly donated her barnet to said rapist via Remy Goddess Hair Extensions, I suggest you start plucking from the root.

The ability to walk without wheezing- I don't even need to go into this.

All issues that shroud our police force....dreadful. I made myself dizzy that night from profusely shaking my head and the dry mouth sensation endured as a result of continuous tutting over a period of 15 hours, is quite unpleasant.

I mean I am sure there are some shining examples of fine officers out there- Axel Foley, Robocop, Starsky & Hutch to name a few. Unfortunately...they must have been off that day.

My advice to the police force:

Go to the Gym
Cut procedure time down by 90%
Don't arrest people without penis's for rape
If you plan on holding the blatantly innocent in custody for 15 hours, do not proceed to rub salt, glass and burning embers in their wounds by interviewing them for a measly 9 minutes before finally agreeing the whole thing was hilarious waste of time.
Fuck off.

The End.

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