Thursday, 8 March 2012

The Office: a short burst of irritation.

I am pretty sure the fastest and most efficient way to deduce whether someone is a total pleb is to insert said suspect into a room with a printer, a stapler, a shit coffee maker and a computer screen and let nature take its course.
I guarantee you, within 15 minutes of this experiment you will be left sweating on account of the tough decision that faces you:

“Of all the obscene and insulting descriptive words in the English language, which one do I chose to describe this complete and utter...blank”

I’d go with ‘tosser’...has a nice ring to it and the association with rigorous and sleazy masturbation deems it as a word of sufficient insult.
Phrases that should be punishable by lashing:

“Fancy a catch up?”
“Looping you in”
“Thinking outside the box”
“Moving forward”
“Conference call”
“Next steps”
“Ping something over”

If you are a frequent use of 1 or all of the above, I must stress that is not acceptable. Power suit, power tie, power steering or not, the use of such nonsensical drivel has the poor victim you are speaking to, envisioning your private parts in a vice is not and never will be, well received.

The office seems to be a breeding ground for the inner wanker to emerge from within 3 out of 5 people: you may deem this to be a figure plucked out of obscurity and yes, this would be correct however, you are most probably one of the 3 out of 5 nauseating cocks I am referring to.

Please check symptoms below to confirm suspected cases of Jobsworth-itis.

Coffee breath that rises from deep within and offends anybody within a 3 mile radius?

Frivolity with decibels in relation to an unnecessarily loud phone voice?

Guilty of chatting shit, but saying it with confidence and conviction and thus deducing it as ‘useful and important information that should be heard’?

Think ‘Monday Morning Blues’ is an interesting and unheard topic of conversation?

Believe that by having business cards, you are immediately promoted to becoming ‘a somebody’?

Uphold a close relationship with your HR department?

Overly possessive with your stapler/hole punch/post it notes?

Yes, despite your hilarious wise cracks and your unfaltering respect for Company Policy, you’re one of the jobs worth tosser’s I am referring to.
I’m all for drive, ambition and success, but leave your progress charts and motivational seminars where they belong...on the fictional set of Ricky Gervais’ ‘The Office’ Slough.

And breathe...

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